Zombie Law and Order

jilliancmichel

If you’ve watched at least one zombie movie, you know that when the zombies invade it’s going to be everyone for themselves. There will be no more law enforcement, no more 9-1-1, and there certainly won’t be any legal process to speak of (actually, that might be a good thing, because I’m not convinced that our justice system is completely fair). Basically, we’re all going to need to protect ourselves against marauders because there won’t be anyone else to defend of us. Here are some ways to deal with criminals after the zombie apocalypse has commenced:

What to do if someone tries to steal your food. This is a tricky situation because the offender probably doesn’t wish you any harm; they just need a little snack to survive. However, you can’t let anyone get away with stealing your carefully rationed food. Sure, if they ask nicely, you might be willing to share. But if they attempt to take your hard-earned food without your permission, you have to teach them a lesson. Physically harming them seems a bit extreme considering the crime, so I suggest you just scare them a little. Perhaps you could shove them in the trunk of your car and drive around on cobblestoned streets until they apologize and promise to never do it again. You know, something like that.

What to do if someone tries to sexually assault you. Automatic death penalty! No means no. I find it deeply disturbing that so many zombie books and movies have rape scenes casually peppered throughout the story. Not cool. However, it is probably true that sexual crimes will increase in the post-apocalyptic world, so it’s crucial that you know how to defend yourself. If someone tries to rape you, since there won’t be any justice system to make the sexual offender pay the price, it’s perfectly acceptable to enforce the death penalty. Then there will be one less rapist on the zombie-infested streets.

What to do if someone kills one of your friends or family members. There are several ways to handle this situation. You could stone the person to death. Or perhaps you could tie him/her to a tree and beat the offender senseless. Either way, you can’t let the murderer live. If someone kills one of your loved ones after the zombies invade, you’ll have to make sure the murderer doesn’t live to see another day.

What to do if someone tries to steal your weapon. Obviously, the death penalty is a bit extreme in this situation, but you’ll still need to teach the thief a lesson. You could throw a brick at the offender. Or you could tar and feather the crook. But where does one find tar? And feathers? It might be best to just give the burglar a slap on the wrist and a warning. If he/she ever tries to steal from you again, you can take a more severe course of action (go out and find yourself some tar and feathers).

It’s going to be a completely different world once the zombies invade. I’d like to think that the survivors will be respectful of each other, but there are sure to be a few bad eggs. That’s why it’s important to know what to do when someone breaks the zombie law!

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