Alright time to get your lazy ass up! I got sick right after I told you guys we needed daily content, so there’s that. It did get me thinking about how much I hate feeling weak, being weak is dangerous. So to help the rest of you get in shape to survive the zombie apocalypse, I’ll give you some pointers for working out specifically with an apocalypse in mind.
First of all, you need to workout with a specific goal in mind. In this case it’s evading zombies, neutralizing enemies, carrying heavy stuff and probably walking everywhere. Since these are all real life requirements, sitting on machines at your local gym won’t cut it. So lets first eliminate all the crap you don’t need:
– Any light flexy object sold on TV
The machines are useless, they’re designed to make sure you don’t
sue your gym get injured. They also invite you to use your phone and sit down while doing a boring isolated movement. Try to envision a machine you’ll be sitting on that kills zombies when you flex your bicep… Yup not gonna happen, unless you’re a mad scientist of course…
Jogging makes you very good at running away slowly. Not ever has an animal survived by jogging away from a cheetah, they run like their life depends on it!
Any weird gummy looking crap, bands, ab-trainers and all that crap is pointless. Ever heard an olympic gymnast say this after winning a gold medal: “Ow man if it wasn’t for that shake-weight, I would never have won!”. No they don’t say that, because these are all complete crap.
Now that I’ve taken your gym’s income away, pissed on your morning run and crapped all over your impulse buys, lets get to the good stuff. I’m not giving you an out of the box workout, but I will give you pointers. To start we’ll define movements that you’ll most likely need during an apocalypse:
– Lift heavy items (backpacks, crates, logs, etc..)
– Lift heavy items overhead (loading a truck, stacking bricks, storing supplies)
– Sprint (you know, from zombies)
– Climb (through windows, on rooftops, cars, trees)
– Swim (zombies can’t swim, that river might be a good getaway)
– Fight (other survivors, evading a zombie’s grasp)
– Statics (you’ll run in to situations where you’re stuck in a shitty position but must remain quiet until the zombies leave again)
– Sneaking (sneaking around to evade zombies and other survivors)
As you can see, non of these require treadmills, weird machines or anything you can jog on with a tv mounted on it. You’ll also need to be able to do these things in all weather conditions. So yes even when it’s raining, get outside and stop making excuses. You’re not a five year old, you’re an adult who says they can survive an apocalypse, own up to that.
Enough shitting on useless fitness fads, let’s give some pointers on how to train for these movements.
– Lifting heavy items is pretty easy, learn how to deadlift and then deadlift. You can add farmers walks to this, just fill two big jugs or jerrycans with water or sand. You hold one in each hand and just walk or run until everything hurts and you want to vomit.
– Lifting overhead, learn how to do clean and presses. You’re most likely to have to move something from the ground, all the way overhead. Stacking heavy boxes or rocks up high is also a good way to train this.
– Sprinting is a little tricky, don’t just start running as fast as you can. If you’re not 18 or sprint regularly, you’ll injure yourself right away. Do a few sprints on 70%, some knee raises and ease in to it. But when you get to the sprinting, pick a place where you’ll sprint to and run like zombies are chasing you! Tip here: Sprint up staircases! It’s an insane workout and very relevant to the zombie theme.
– Climbing can be done several different ways. You can go for a climbing wall, but again you probably won’t need those during an apocalypse. And since you probably have a life and a 40 hour a week job, you don’t want to waste time. Just go outside and climb things you might also climb when zombies are chasing you. So rooftops, trees, maybe rock or a hill if that’s nearby.
– Swimming is done in a pool, or outside if you have fresh water where you can actually swim properly. Just don’t risk gators or snakes, use a pool. Water is still water and swimming is swimming.
– Fighting can be interpreted many different ways, but for zombies and other survivors an instinctive self defence method will be most effective. Try Krav Maga if that’s near you. Those guys who built that wall in World War Z came up with it, so it’s relevant in any way possible!
– Statics/sneaking are probably more important for the apocalypse than anything else and can be combined in one exercise. You’re going to need full control over your body during any movement at any time, so doing static exercises like the plank will help. If you have some more time and money to spare, yoga can greatly help you out here.
Now I said I would only give pointers, but as I’m writing I see a workout emerging in my mind, so I’ll tell you how I’d set this up.
Start your week off with some deadlifting and overhead presses on a Monday. Sprint on Tuesday. Wednesday would swimming, because swimming is very low impact, this is a great active resting day. Thursday you should go fighting or that Krav Maga class. On Friday you chill out, watch a zombie movie and have some pizza. Climbing takes more time and you want daylight, so that’s on Saturday. Take your time, drive to a cool place and have fun, combine it with hiking for example. Sunday is a resting day, go for a light walk or something. That’s always better to recover than sitting down and doing nothing. You can use the statics as a warm-up and the yoga as a cool down for these workouts.
Okay, so those weren’t pointers but the entire outline for your workouts, possibly of course. Most of our readers are from the US and I know Americans aren’t known for their amazing physical condition, so I just really want to stress the importance of being in shape to survive any kind of disaster scenario. Just think: “If all you’d need were guns and vehicles, the Marines would look like a happy meal, but they don’t.”
are assholes might sue us: We’re not responsible if you injure yourself, learn proper technique before you do an exercise, listen to your body. If something does go wrong, we hope you recover quickly <3