When I was still alive, I was kind of an asshole. Truth be told, I never really cared about anyone but myself. I refused to pay attention to others, only interacting with people when I needed something. Women were all the same to me. The hotter the better; and I wasn’t the type of guy who went after a girl for her brains.
After I died, my priorities completely changed. I never knew true happiness until I tasted my first human brain. The salty yet somehow sweet taste of the rich meat was better than any steak that had ever passed my lips. Sex didn’t even come close; no woman could ever make me feel as good as when I was munching on a delicious helping of brains. Living in the poshest mansion and driving the fastest cars weren’t even in the same league as feasting on the tender meat that lay inside the human head.
I thought I was living the sweet life before I died. My bank account was fatter than the chick from that Honey Boo Boo show, my house was bigger than anyone else’s on my street, and I had three sexy-ass ladies that took care of me whenever I needed it. I thought my life was perfect, but I had no idea what true happiness was until I tasted that first morsel of brains.
At first I thought I’d be bothered by the new order of things. I had worked my ass off to get where I was in the old world. I was at the office at least fourteen hours every day, and I sacrificed most of my friendships to get ahead at my job. Then after people started dying and coming back to life, the playing field was leveled, and I didn’t like it one bit. Teachers, doctors, lawyers, janitors: we were all just zombie bait.
Naturally I was pissed off. I had worked so hard to get where I was, and then all of a sudden, my bank accounts weren’t worth shit. I was at the office when the news dropped that people were dying and coming back to life. I finished up my report and left the office at five o’clock for the first time ever. I knew that if I could get back to my mansion, I’d be safe. The high walls around my pad would keep out the monsters that the reporters were talking about, and I had plenty of supplies to keep me going for weeks.
Well, the fates had other plans for me. I was stuck on the freeway for hours, with a crowd of commoners. Most of them got out of their cars to walk, but there was no way I was leaving my Porsche behind. No, sir!
I was enraged when the snarling, bloody woman broke my car window and took a bite out of my shoulder. I was beyond pissed, and you better believe I gave that bitch what was coming to her. After I drop kicked Miss Bites A Lot, I decided to start walking toward my house, since the throng of cars hadn’t moved in hours.
It started as just a headache, then the nausea kicked in, and finally I was so dizzy that I had to sit down. I keeled over on the cold ground and stopped breathing. My last thought before my heart gave out was, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office.”
Nah, I’m only fucking with you. I can’t remember what my last thought was. I’m sure it was deep though. I’ve learned a lot since I died; mostly that my former life was shallow and meaningless. I spent way too much time worrying about material things, when I should have been focusing on the only thing in the world that brings true bliss. Brains.