Working out: Do You Want to Survive or Get Laid?

What is it that you’re doing when you go to the gym? Are you shooting for bigger biceps? How about a washboard stomach? Nothing wrong with that, depending on what you’re trying to accomplish. Are you trying to get people to drool over your hot bod when you go to the club this weekend? Keep up the good work. You’re headed in the right direction. Or are you trying to get yourself prepared for the day when the dead rise up to feast upon the living? If that’s the case, I’d say you’re wasting your time with that curl bar. In fact, I’d say you’re wasting your time going to the gym at all.

Don’t get me wrong. Any sort of exercise is better than no exercise. You’re sure to outlast the lard-asses that park in the handicap spots at Wal-Mart, hoist their massive carcasses out of their groaning cars, and waddle over to the nearest Hoveround. Thinking long-term, though, it’s going to take more than a few muscles to make it in the zombie apocalypse. You’ll need to be able to take punishment. You’ll need to be tough. You’re not going to get there by picking up heavy things in an air-conditioned environment, which brings me to my first point.

GO OUTSIDE! Forget about getting in shape, if you’re not used to the elements you’re just not going to survive. Do you live somewhere that has pretty extreme temperatures? If you don’t get out and get used to them, you won’t make it a week into the zombie apocalypse. I live in Florida, and you can bet the farm that I can take the heat and humidity. My job has me doing a lot of heavy lifting out in the brutal Florida sun and then taking my sweat-soaked ass into a 35 degree cooler. I’ve seen the temperature swings break a few guys whose fathers didn’t do a good job of toughening them up when they were kids.
Cardio is important, that’s why it was the first rule in Zombieland. You don’t need machines to do cardio work. There’s this thing that’s very similar to a treadmill, called The World. Go run through The World- on streets and beaches or through woods. This will help you much more than running on a conveyor belt in front of a TV.

Big, bulging biceps aren’t going to help you when society crumbles. What you want is lean, strong muscle with more of a focus on your legs and back. There may come a time when you have to walk many miles with everything you own strapped to your back. Get a backpack, weigh it down, and get walking. Make sure to wear good socks and decent hiking boots. DO NOT use a walking stick unless you have some sort of disability. It’s really cliche’.

Everyone wants that ripped stomach. It’s the first thing you see in any commercial for weight-loss products or exercise equipment. That six-pack looks great, but it’s another waste (waist?) of time in your routine. Stick to core work, which includes your abs but doesn’t completely focus on them. It will still flatten your stomach, but will also increase your overall power and improve your balance and stability. The undead will eat you regardless of how sexy your abs look, so back off the sit-ups and spend some more time in plank.

The next time you’re going through your routine ask yourself what each exercise is going to achieve. Will it help you survive someday, or just give you that beach-body that TV keeps telling you that you want? Of course the two things aren’t mutually exclusive. Do you have the time and energy to put into a workout plan that is going to toughen you up and give you that Hollywood body? If you do, that’s great. If you’re like me and have a limited amount of time on your hands, you should focus on what’s going to matter when you need to fight to survive.

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Written by Ian

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