Why Pickups suck in the Zombie Apocalypse

So the apocalypse is breaking out and you and your loved ones are getting ready to bug out. Of course you can’t carry your massive and overfilled backpack weighing almost your own body weight.. So you load everything in your pickup truck and get ready to head out. Well, let me tell you how that’s gonna go. Why Pickups suck in the Zombie Apocalypse!

The first problem you’ll run into is passenger space. A pickup might accommodate four people, but those in the backseat are locked in, no doors nothing. So getting out in any sort of engagement is going to be pure agony. While the front seat passenger get mauled on, the people in the back have no door to get out of. They’ll be trying to put a knife through the zombie’s head from the back seat while the passenger is at least infected and has a massive wound. If they do manage to get out in time, getting back in quickly is a pain too. So someone panics and tries to fire a handgun inside the car. Great, you’re all deaf now.

So you packed all your stuff in the rear, now there’s no way of getting to all that without stopping the car and getting out to grab it. Surrounded by zombies, slowly inching towards your vehicle. The only option you have for getting to that pack of Ramen Noodles, is stopping the car, getting out and walking to the back. Unpacking shit while from all directions zombies are shambling towards the sound of your rumbling V8. Not to mention your rumbling stomachs. 

Not even considering that part, how about rain or hail? Sure you could put a tarp over all your gear in the rear, but that has to come off every time you want to grab something. Only adding to the time you’re out in the open and exposed to zombies and other humans. Having to take off quickly becomes a nightmare as you watch your rear view mirror as all your supplies wash away in the rain.

If all this wasn’t enough, how about the gas consumption. Not every gas station you pass is going to still be operational, so by the time you find one that somehow still has fuel that works, you’ll be sweating pigs hoping you’ll make it while staring at the empty fuel gauge… If you get there at all.

So you manage to get past all that. Enough fuel and you find a nimble family member to get stuff from the back. You’ll be exposed to shit weather when getting gear, if it freezes your gear freezes right over too. Grabbing any such small item is going to expose you, force you to stop. And if military doctrine teaches us anything, standing still out in the open, is the absolute worst tactic ever. 

The alternative? How about a van with some off-road tires.. No need to get out, you can get over rough terrain and will never have to stop to grab anything. All you need is contained inside, someone can just climb in the back and grab it! Best of all, much more fuel efficient and if you’re crafty, you can refuel with jerry cans from the comfort of inside your vehicle. Damn you can even fix solar panels to the roof. Just go ahead and Google all the people already doing custom van builds they live out right now. Not that many custom pickup builds people live out on YouTube right now..

To conclude.. A pickup is pointless in the zombie apocalypse, a van is the way to go.

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Written by Frank

Dutch guy living in Finland. Founded Zombie Guide Magazine in 2012 as a hobby project.. Which is still is to this day. Besides writing, my passions are fitness, the outdoors and good food.