The Best Places to Be When Zombies Attack:
A Walmart Superstore – This one is a no-brainer. Walmart Superstores have everything, and some of them even carry guns and ammunition (jackpot!). If you’re lucky enough to get caught in a Redneck Walmart, your first stop should be the firearms section. Get yourself a Windham SRC rifle (in stores only), and as much ammunition as you can carry. Then make your way over to the grocery section. Choose wisely! You don’t want to end up with ten boxes of unfrosted blueberry PopTarts (nobody likes those – I don’t even know why they make them). Stock up on protein-filled foods like nuts and canned meats (tuna & spam, yum yum). They’re not terribly healthy, but they’ll give you enough energy to take down zombies with your brand spankin’ new rifle. After you stock up on food, grab as much water as you can carry, and then get your ass out of there.
A Sporting Goods Store – A Dick’s Sporting Goods just opened up about a mile away from my house. Not only do I love the name of the store (easy to remember, because, ya know), it’s also chock-full of weapons. You should grab as much as you can carry, but I would recommend getting a Barnett Hellcat 175 Scope Crossbow (on sale now, includes free shipping…my birthday is coming up…just sayin’). While you’re in the weapons section, pick up a knife too. A simple hunting knife will do; you don’t have to be choosy here – just grab one and make your way over to the camping section. Try to get your hands on a tent, backpack, flashlight, and, if possible, the motherload: a solar powered digital radio (you’ll thank me later). If the store isn’t a madhouse by the time you finish in the camping section, try to grab a baseball bat or golf club (something you can use if you’re out of ammo). Once you’ve gotten all of your supplies, get the hell out of there – it’s zombie killing time!
A Liquor Store – Even if you don’t drink, it’s probably a good time to start. If you’re stuck amongst an endless supply of alcohol, I would recommend that you just stick around the liquor store as long as possible and just get wasted. I’m talking about completely, utterly, hammered (falling-down, don’t-even-know-your-own-name drunk). Then if you happen to get attacked by a zombie, you won’t even feel it. Or if you’re against the idea of drinking away your zombie-related woes, you can just fill up your backpack with liquor and head out (you can use your bottles of liquid gold later to barter for survival supplies).
The Worst Places to Be When Zombies Attack:
An Airplane – If you happen to be on an airplane midflight when the zombie apocalypse begins, you’re really not in a great position. Yeah, you’re screwed. There’s sure to be at least one passenger on the plane who’s infected with the zombie virus. My advice: find a parachute and get the hell out of there. If you can’t find a parachute…um…start praying.
A Library – Whilst I do love getting lost among the shelves of books at my local library, it would be a terrible place to get caught during a zombie invasion. There’s nothing useful there – no food, no weapons; just books. Even hardcover tomes won’t protect you against zombies. My advice: hide out in the reference section. Everyone uses Google now, so the reference area has been all but forgotten. So if you get caught in a library during a zombie attack, remember this: Popular Fiction Section = crowded, zombie-infested nightmare; Reference Section = safe.
A Casino – Have you ever tried to leave a Casino quickly? It’s not possible. If you get caught in a casino when the zombies attack, your chances of survival aren’t great. Instead of getting caught in a stampede of panicked, drunken gamblers, your best bet is to hide out until the initial panic dies down. After that, sneak out quietly. If you happen to stumble upon one of the many casino buffets on your way out, grab some sustenance if you can. Even those thin, over-seasoned buffet steaks will do (it’s better than starvation, right? No? OK, forget the buffet).
If you’re unfortunate enough to be suck in one of these not-so-great places when zombies attack, just try to keep calm and get out of there. And then find a not-yet-looted Walmart, Sporting Goods Store, or Liquor Store. Oh, and you should probably try to save your family too. But hit up Walmart first!