Obesity: a death sentence

Obesity, a death sentence.

Ahhh, good day all! So, obesity huh? What does that have to do with zombies? Well, a lot! In this article I’ll explain to you why it sucks to be fucking fat when the zombie apocalypse hits us. Ready?


For starters, you have to be able to run when being chased by flesh eating monsters. Now we are not sure in what form zombies may appear, they can either be slow shuffling dumb asses, or running, rabid and thinking. Of course anything in between is possible. Do I need to say more? You need to be fit to run away from being eaten, rule number 1.

Your heart.

Obesity is bad for your heart, zombies are scary at first, so you may get scared and get a heart attack. To prove some stuff about fat being bad for you, here is some info from wikipedia:

Obesity is a medical condition in which excess body fat has accumulated to the extent that it may have an adverse effect on health, leading to reduced life expectancy and/or increased health problems. People are considered obese when their body mass index (BMI), a measurement obtained by dividing a person’s weight in kilograms by the square of the person’s height in metres, exceeds 30 kg/m2.

Obesity increases the likelihood of various diseases, particularly heart disease, type 2 diabetes, obstructive sleep apnea, certain types of cancer, and osteoarthritis. Obesity is most commonly caused by a combination of excessive food energy intake, lack of physical activity, and genetic susceptibility, although a few cases are caused primarily by genes, endocrine disorders, medications or psychiatric illness. Evidence to support the view that some obese people eat little yet gain weight due to a slow metabolism is limited; on average obese people have a greater energy expenditure than their thin counterparts due to the energy required to maintain an increased body mass.

Dieting and physical exercise are the mainstays of treatment for obesity. Diet quality can be improved by reducing the consumption of energy-dense foods such as those high in fat and sugars, and by increasing the intake of dietary fiber. Anti-obesity drugs may be taken to reduce appetite or inhibit fat absorption together with a suitable diet. If diet, exercise and medication are not effective, a gastric balloon may assist with weight loss, or surgery may be performed to reduce stomach volume and/or bowel length, leading to earlier satiation and reduced ability to absorb nutrients from food.

Obesity is a leading preventable cause of death worldwide, with increasing prevalence in adults and children, and authorities view it as one of the most serious public health problems of the 21st century.[8] Obesity is stigmatized in much of the modern world (particularly in the Western world), though it was widely perceived as a symbol of wealth and fertility at other times in history, and still is in some parts of the world.

Okay by now I hope you get the fact that being fat is bad for you in normal life and it would at least benefit you to be in good shape when the zombies come home for dinner.

Now our next subject will be a list of situations you would never want to be in. These can ofcourse all be avoided by keeping yourself in good shape!

1. Trapped in car.

Yes fat people get trapped in their car. Picture this, you drive out of town in your big SUV because zombies are taking over. Just as you round a corner you crash into another car. Both cars are damaged and can’t drive anymore, bur your all okay. The person in the other car climbs out, grabs his most important bags and gun and walks over to you car to help you get out. Just as he comes near, zombies come around the corner, they followed your car and now caught up with you. The fit stranger get his gun and shoots the first few, while you struggle to get you fat ass out of the car… He needs to reload, but the zombies get to close, so he says sorry and runs of in a hurry. You’re now screaming like a pig trying to get out, but your stuck. The zombies come closer so you close the door and soon your car is surrounded by zombies trying to get in. You can’t go anywhere, your gun is out of reach because you’re too fat to turn around and get it. Your leg is stuck like a hot-wing in a fat kid mouth under the dashboard and the zombies will get to you at some point. Damn you think, if I would not have eaten that much fucking crap and did some sports I’d be able to kick in the windows to the back compartment in the truck and escape via the back. Or maybe I would have gotten out of the car because my legg wouldn’t have been so fucking huge.. Just as your thinking all that, one of the zombies gets his hand stuck on the door handle trying to scratch it’s way in and pulls the door open a little bit. The rest of the zombies get their hands through the opening and the door opens. They rush in and as you start screaming you feel the cold hand grabbing you, followed by the pain of the first bite. It goes right through your pants into you fat legs.. You scream and watch as they tear the fat flesh out of your body. Just as you slip into shock you see what the fat in your belly looks like, it’s like thick, blood covered, outdated thick cum with whip-cream. You watch a little zombie girl rip it out of you with her little hands and put it into her little mouth. Her mouth has been half eaten and you watch your own blood covered blubber slip out of it.. You try to push them away but you can’t, you go into shock and the zombies feast on you until you’re dead and then leave you there to turn.. You will become what you were before: A mindless, shuffling, fat piece of selfish shit that only wants to eat fat meat.

2. Restaurant

mcdonaldsThis would be a place you love to go, being all fat as you are.. So you’re in your favorite restaurant, McDonalds. Panic breaks out, you hear people other than little kids screaming loud, so look up with a piece of Big Tasty in you fat mouth. You watch a man eat someone who was just in line to get his sugar delivery after work. People run away in fear as fast as their fat bodies can carry them as more of these zombies walk in and start feasting on all the bulky people waiting for their food. You realize that your fucked, so you take on last bite (cus it may be your last..) and hobble toward the exit. When you’re almost outside you see a zombie coming right at you, you look to the right and see a fit man run for the toilets in the back, you decide to go after him, because you think he might have a plan. You hobble on towards the restroom, after the thin man who just sprinted in there. You reach the door and open it, you walk around the corner and see the thin man grabbing a recycle bin. He looks at you and screams at you to block the door! With all your fat weight this is no problem, besides that, you could use a little break leaning on something. You block the door just in time and watch the thin man unfold his plan… He smashes the little window above his head with the recycle bin, clears the glass and walks to the door to block it right under the handle with the recycle bin. He runs over to the window and tells you to follow him. He climbs out and runs away to his car.. You move over to the windows and try to climb up, after some struggle you manage to get your arms and head through.. Now your stuck! As you try to get through and cut yourself with little pieces of glass you hear the recycle bin give way and the door opens.. You scream for help as the zombies close in and start eating your fat legs that are still stuck on the inside of the building! It’s painful and takes minutes before you pass into shock and bleed to death. It will take even longer to reanimate as a zombie yourself, to be stuck in a windows at McDonalds for ever until someone will blow your head up with a shotgun.

3. Mobility Scooter

As fat as you are, driving through the park on your mobility scooter, you see a woman running past you screaming bloody murder! You look ahead and see a group of shambling people moving your way.. A little kid walks up to them for some reason and gets grabbed! You go into a shock as you see the group rip into the little child, ripping the flesh of your body as she screams for her mother who comes running to the scene and tries to mace the zombies. This of course has no effect and she too gets ripped apart by these monsters. .. Just as you realize these are zombies, the zombies realize YOU are a live prey.. They get up and start moving in your direction now that their former prey is dead and all other people fled the scene. You see them coming at you and turn your mobility scooter around. You realize now that all the mayhem in town now was not some bullshit and you wish you would have agreed with your cousin to come get you to safety. With nobody to help you in the park, not being able to walk because you’re too fat, you drive your mobility scooter down the little road. After a minute or so you notice that the zombies are closing the distance now that your going up hill. Your panic and floor the damn thing! Just as you reach the top of the little hill you look back and see the zombies are just a few feet away and trying to reach for you! Over the edge it is and now that you’re going down hill, you make some distance. You look back and BOOM! A hole in the ground, your right front wheel is stuck. You try to move the mobility scooter back and forth but no success. The zombies come closer and closer, so you decide to try and walk. That’s something you only do getting out of bed and onto the fortified toilet, so it can be done, it has to be done! You step of the mobility scooter but you where wrong, your legs can’t perform under this stress and you fall to the ground, flat on your face. Well because you’re so fucking big, your face never hits the ground.. You look in front of you and see a guy holding his cellphone making a video of you and you scream for help! Just as the guy wants to move the zombies grab you and tear into your fat back and legs. You scream murder and help but it wont work. The guy is still filming as you go into shock while the zombies eat the fat blubber out of you back..

Okay kids, that’s my point of view on staying healthy in case zombies show up. If they don’t show up in this lifetime, it’s still good to stay in shape!

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Written by Frank

Dutch guy living in Finland. Founded Zombie Guide Magazine in 2012 as a hobby project.. Which is still is to this day. Besides writing, my passions are fitness, the outdoors and good food.