Zombie-proof Suicide. How To Kill Yourself Without A Gun So That You Won’t Come Back As A Zombie..
Yea, we’re talking about it.
So there you are, hunched over against a wooden fence in some smelly, dark alleyway….. or where ever. Your breathing heavy and hurting bad on account of the nice sized chunk of flesh your friendly neighborhood zombie was kind enough to rip from your arm. Or leg, neck, shoulder, hip, hand, face……whatever. You some how managed to get away with just a bite. You know it won’t be long before they find you and finish you off, or they won’t, and you’ll lie there in agony until you inevitably die and turn into one of the undead. Then you think about that. You think about all the lives that you might take once your one of them. You know you can’t do it. You can’t let yourself become a monster. You won’t.
So, that’s all sweet and good and all, but how, stranded unarmed in (let’s say) an alley, are you supposed to effectively destroy your own brain?
Now let’s stop for a second and think about that. Destroying a brain without a gun is never, ever a clean and easy task. It requires some kind of violent, gory attack to the skull. The catch here is, it has to be effective enough to completely shut down the brain. Destroy it, and in this scenario, you have no gun (or no bullets left). Of course if you have some kind of long, pointed, bladed weapon, you’d just have to put the tip of it to your head and run yourself full force, head first, into a wall. Nine times out of ten, that should do the trick. Blunt weapons are of no use, since you’d knock yourself out before you did any real damage, so smashing your head against the pavement is off the table as well. Also don’t bother just running your head into a wall, unless it’s covered in three inch spikes.
If you don’t have a long enough knife or any other kind of weapon, then you are in real trouble. Having to improvise a weapon in this situation makes it a lot trickier. Finding something that will stab through your head is your best shot. A broken pole, or a strong and pointed piece of wood. Just be sure it’s strong enough to stab through your skull. You really want to worry about getting a good straight hit to your brain (consider the eye socket). You could easily try to run a piece of pointed wood into your forehead, unaware it’s not strong enough to fracture your skull. It’d cut open your head and break off, leaving an inch or so of wood shoved under the skin on your forehead. However, you’d still be very much alive.
You could try to drop something heavy on your head. You’d have to be sure it was heavy enough, and somehow set up the object to drop from the right height to produce enough pressure to break your skull open. This would require either some test runs, or some serious hoping it will just work. Think instead, to try pushing something over, like a refrigerator, or a large dresser.
If there’s a car near by, you could throw it in neutral and lay your head under the tire. Though you’d have to let the car get rolling a bit, build a bit of speed. So you’d probably have to get it rolling, then run down towards where it’s headed and kind of aim your head for a tire.
An epic way, if you happen to be near some kind of large grinding equipment, would be to simply throw yourself head first into a wood chipper or something similar to that. Those big car crusher things, you know.
My personal choice would be the easiest way. Find a tall building. The tallest building you can find, at least seven stories. Climb to the top and jump, head first. Make sure your going to land on a hard surface, and keep your head pointed towards the ground. You want to make sure it hits with the full force of the fall. The higher you fall from, the more likely you’ll die before you even hit the ground. Just make sure you’ll land on your head. Weigh your neck so your top half will be heavier. This is the simplest way to make sure your brain gets destroyed, but only if you do it right. People have survived extremely high falls, so a zombie could too. Always be sure your method will work before you put yourself through any more trauma.
I’m sure there are even more ways to go about destroying your own brain. Those are just my suggestions. It’s not something I suppose many people think about, not having someone their to keep you from turning. Having to make the decision all your own to save future lives, by keeping yourself dead, when no one else is there to help.
In the apocalypse, you will have to make hard decisions. You will have to do things you will never forgive yourself for, to protect yourself and the ones you love. The hardest decision you’ll have to make is deciding how far you are willing to go to keep yourself from becoming a monster.
Originally posted 2013-08-24 12:00:07.