Hi, my name’s Phil and I really dig the new street drug, Krokodil, hence the nickname. That stuff is the best thing to come out of Russia since Yakov Smirnoff. For those who don’t know, Krokodil is a combination of codeine and… well, I’m not really sure. I think it’s gasoline or bleach or something like that. I’m not a chemist. The stuff has gotten kind of a bad rap, because there are some moderate side effects associated with its use.
Last weekend I attended the Walker Stalker Convention in Atlanta. Some of the folks there took the whole zombie apocalypse thing very seriously. On the eight hour ride home after the convention I had a little time to give it some thought. There I was, in my box, in the bed of Ian’s pick-up truck, the severe wind blowing away the few hairs I’d had left on my head, and something occurred to me. If there were some catastrophic event that ended society as we know it, I really wouldn’t know how to get high. If you look for post-apocalyptic survival tips online you’ll find a bunch of nonsense out there about guns and knives and food, but not one bit of information about catching a buzz or chasing a dragon, white or any other color. I decided to put a little thought into it, even though that’s not really my strong suit, and this was what I came up with.
1. Huffing paint. Good stuff. For a lot of us, this was our first experience with serious drug use. What’s great about this option is that there will be a ton of available paint when the shit hits the fan. Don’t go running over to your local hardware store right away, though. That place will be mobbed with a bunch of panicking lunatics at first, but don’t worry, they won’t be after the paint. They’ll be grabbing up tools, makeshift weapons, lumber, and other worthless junk. Wait a few days before stopping in. It’ll much less crowded and there will still be all the aerosol goodness you could ever want waiting for you. On the down side, huffing paint really isn’t a great high and doesn’t last very long. It is, however, a quick fix that will be abundantly available.
2. Growing pot. Weed is awesome. Who doesn’t love that stuff? It’s pretty easy to grow if you live in the right environment. Unfortunately, it’s illegal to cultivate and possess in a lot of places because police like the easy arrest and conviction rates associated with the plant and Pharmaceutical companies prefer you to take the poison they have for sale. Oops, what I meant was that it’s illegal because it’s a gateway drug and it’s bad for you and funds terrorism. Yeah, that’s why. Anyway, while weed is great, it’s not going to do the trick for us more hardcore users. Don’t get me wrong, I never turn the stuff down, but it’s more an hors d’oeuvres than a main course.
3. Prisons. There’s this TV show about the zombie apocalypse that Ian is always watching and going on about. There was this really awesome guy on the show and he had a great idea about how to get drugs. Prisons are full of drugs. When all the prisoners are dead, there will be a literal smorgasbord of narcotics to choose from if you know where to look. Cut open mattresses, look for loose stones in cell walls, and check in and around toilets. These are all known hiding places for drugs. A couple of problems with this one, though. A prison is sure to be full of former inmates who are now trying to eat you. You’ll probably have to kill a lot of zombies to get to any drugs. When you do, be sure to check their rectums afterward for recently smuggled contraband. Also, any living inmates are sure to be pretty surly folks who were rough to deal with before the end of the world. You might still get some drugs if they don’t kill you, but you’ll probably have to do very depraved stuff to get them. Fine by me.
4. Drug dealers. The first place you should go when the apocalypse starts is your local drug dealers’ houses. Hopefully, all of the former residents will be dead and you’ll have all the dope you can carry. Unfortunately, while it will seem like a lot at first, it will still be a finite supply and you’ll have to figure something else out eventually. Plus, most drug dealers are also addicts, total sociopaths, or both. If they’re not dead, I’d recommend you stay away.
5. Pharmacies. This one is a little too obvious, so most junkies will head there first thing. If you can’t get to your local pharmacy within minutes of the start of the apocalypse I’d suggest you don’t waste your time. They’ll be picked clean of any good stuff in the first ten minutes.
Well, I hope that helps. Thanks to anyone and everyone who shared and liked our page and helped us reach 500 likes. We all appreciate it. If you have any good ideas on how to get high when the apocalypse starts, please feel free to share them. If you just have drugs, feel free to share them, too.
“I like the FedEx driver because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it. And he’s always on time.” Mitch Hedberg.
Krokodil Phil is Zombie Guide Magazine’s mascot. He’s either a drug addict or a zombie or both, if that’s possible. We’re not sure. Friend him on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/krokodil.phil?fref=ts