Zombie movies and video games usually aren’t short of one thing.. Weapons! Be it cricket bats, guns, golfclubs or a steak knife, our heroes of the apocalypse always find clever ways to kill the infected. But seeing all these items in action makes me wonder, are these actually good weapons against zombies? Today we take a look at five very common zombie slaying weapons, that actually aren’t that good at slaying zombies. What are Five Zombie Weapons NOT good for Killing Zombies, that people thought were actually good?
To kick off our list of Five Zombie Weapons NOT good for Killing Zombies, we start strong with a fan favorite! It’s an incredibly cool weapon, and the idea of cutting through a whole herd of zombies like it’s a video game might seem badass. The chainsaw however comes with many more downsides than upsides. First of all, it’s loud, like really loud. This will attract way more zombies than you’ll be able to kill. Chainsaws are also dependent on fuel, can malfunction… and they’re heavy! They’re great for yard work and cutting wood, and that’s about it. Not an item you want to be dragging along during the apocalypse.
Unless you’re a really good shooter.. Like, really proper competitive shooter who puts rounds down range at least weekly. On moving targets. The size of bowling pins. While being tired, malnourished and out of breath.. These are pointless against zombies. And that’s just if they’re slow shuffling zombies, not the running type. Handguns in a zombie apocalypse are good for several things, but not killing zombies. Even at close range while room clearing, getting a good headshot is going to be really difficult. When wielding a proper rifle or shotgun, the weapon itself can be used to shove a zombie away before putting the barrel to its head and blowing their brains out. With a handgun you will need to shove a zombie back with another limb, while it’s grabbing you, then try to hit the head properly and not shoot your own outstretched arm in the process. All a handgun will do against zombies, is make more of them hear it from miles away and get them to move towards you. To completely seal the deal, handguns are also too light and close to your body to use as a blunt weapon and bash a skull in.
These badass pieces of equipment are used all over the world to cut through vegetation and chop neigboring tribes to pieces. And since these are great at splitting a coconut, you would think chopping a zombie head would be easy as well. Unfortunately most machetes out there are crap in the first place. A lot of stainless steal, very heavy, tacticool looking machetes are found all over stores and on the web. Often even touted as zombie killing with a nice little theme colour to match. The only true and useful machetes however, are lightweight and used for bush related matters. They need to be very light, for you to effortlessly cut a path through the jungle for hours. For killing zombies, the cheap and heavy ones will probably break quickly. The proper lightweight machetes have thin blades that might get the job done, but remain stuck in the skull, bounce off the head or, miss that part of the brain to actually make the kill.
The all famous axe, well known from almost any zombie movie or game out there, from Left4Dead to The Walking Dead, everyone likes an axe. While there is definitely something to say for having one, mostly for the rest of your survival. Chopping wood, breaking in to something or actually out of something, the axe will do wonders. For killing zombies, not so much. It’s going to be really hard to properly hit a moving head in one swing in the first place. And that is if it’s only one head and not several zombies coming at you at the same time. An axe, depending on what type, might get stuck inside the head, attached to a now limp body dropping on the floor. Swinging an axe into a skull, pulling it out and doing that again, is going to take up a lot of energy and leaves no room for error. So yes, if it’s all you have use it, but keep it for woodwork and other tasks if possible.
Screwdriver, knives and other small stabby stabbers
These items should definitely only be used for their original purposes. Please make sure you have a knife for food and one for survival, then make sure you have a backup for both if possible. But don’t use these against zombies. The first problem is that these weapons are short and need to be inserted into the brain. This means you will have to get yourself really close to a zombie, that’s already trying to grab onto any part of you it can. If you do manage to get so close and have one of your arms reach its head without being grabbed or bitten, there’s a good chance the knife, crewdriver or whatever else will just slip on the skull. With rotting decaying skin making for a nice sled ride down forehead hill, guiding your attack and object to the side, leaving you completely defenseless. A better option would be to just low kick the zombie at the side of the knee, so it falls and you can run away. Or finish it off by stomping on its head if you feel like cleaning infectious blood of your boots. Trying to shove a pen or knife directly into a skull, on something that is trying to grab you without any regard for its own wellbeing, is not the best idea.
Do you agree with our list of Five Zombie Weapons NOT good for Killing Zombies?